French Catholic Communities Made to Sign New Child Abuse Register

The Fifth Republic of France is to adopt a controversial policy regarding child abuse in the country.

As from January 2009 the senior (or oldest) Roman Catholic male in all catholic communities has to sign a National Child Abuse Register on behalf of the whole community.

The policy is the culmination of a 6 year study carried out by The University of Paris (Sorbonne) which it is claimed show that Roman Catholic Communities in France abuse children 10% more than the national mean average.

An unnamed source said the abuse ranged from ¨Gross genital interference to forced bible study¨

It is unclear how the new policy will be monitored or implemented but a French Government spokesman said today that ¨France plans to use its influence in the European Community to roll-out the policy Europe wide before 2012. ¨

The official Vatican public relations spokesman was unavailable for comment as he was undergoing his daily flagellation but a Swiss Guardsman said it was ¨outrageous, Father will not be a happy man ¨

PS: (The Pope has already made several public apologies for his organization's abuse of children)

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All posts on this blog are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof...

The Russians Are Coming

The next Pesident of The United States is going to drawn into a new Cold War (but he doesn’t yet know it)...

Forget the arms race – enter the arts race!

The break-up of the old communist styled Soviet Union was a mere smokescreen – the KGB are as powerful today as they have ever been.

The Soviet break-up produced a new type of deadly weapon; The Russian Oligarch!

Most people believe the rich former commies are nothing more than poachers turned gamekeepers - but beware! The super rich art collector Russian Oligarchs are elite KGB agents - reds with a mission!

John Paul Getty would have verified that money is nothing, art wields real power, just take a look at The Roman Catholic Church…

Mr President take note – future world domination will not depend upon the group with the biggest bank accounts but the group who has the best collection of big-tit virgin paintings!

Big Boss Cop Caught Playing Zebra Crossing Hopscotch Amid Racist Row

Yesterday two top London cops locked horns at an independent police tribunal.

The big boss cop (cop A) and a subordinate Cop B) were told to ¨buck their ideas up and get on with their jobs¨

The row erupted when the subordinate claimed his white boss had deliberately assigned him extra night shift duties on account of his colour!

The tribunal were told that because cop B was black he was sent on more than his fair share of night time surveillance duties – apparently because his boss figured his colour gave him a distinct advantage and rendered him almost invisible in unlit surveillance areas.

The tribunal chairman concluded that the case and submitted evidence to be neither black nor white, but painted a somewhat grey picture and he was unable to arrive at a fair and honest judgement.

He went on ¨It seems to me that cop A had used his resources well in deploying cop B for night time surveillance, however, we can’t say that this deployment of resource was in any way racist¨

The big boss cop was delighted with the verdict and was last seen

¨hopscotching¨ across a zebra crossing reciting ¨Now you see me – now you don’t – Now you see me – now you…¨

Crack British Hacker Lands Pentagon Job

Former computer hacker Ray G McNonnik has landed a plum job in the Pentagon.

McNonnik, will fly to Arlington next week to take up his post.

He shot to fame after hacking the McDonald's Corporation computer systems in Oak Brook, Illinois, whereby he successfully ordered 400 cheeseburgers and 30 gallons of strawberry milkshake - the system duly despatched the order to his North London bedsit.

He was only discovered when he greedily called the local McDonald's in Islington for more tomato ketchup and a dozen more cheeseburgers.

The manager felt that anyone who can polish off that many cheeseburgers is a threat to national security and duly phoned MI6...A Pentagon spokeman said,

¨We are darn sick and tired of any Tom,Dick and Harry being able to get into our computer systems - Why! Only last week even The President managed to hack his way in¨

He went on ¨We want Ray G to help us plug the security holes , he proved himself in Oak Brook Illinois, we want him in Arlington¨

Up The Ars, Ma'am

Buckingham Palace has confirmed The Queen will be at Stamford Bridge on Sunday as a VIP guest of Scolari.

Since the summer arrival of Felip Scolari Queen Elizabeth 11 has apparently been quite taken by the blues, causing her to shift allegiance from the team her late mother and husband root for; north London rivals Arsenal.

This has caused quite a stir at the palace and some conflict to boot between the married couple - which culminated last night in the Queen sensationally shaving her pussy!

A palace insider said, ¨ It was very surreal really, The Queen was in her chamber when The Duke of Edinburgh entered for his regular gin nightcap. She was lying on the bed , legs akimbo sporting a brazilian¨.

She said to the Duke ¨take me Felipe¨(is that spelt right?).Philip took one look and...

¨Good God I haven't seen anything so ugly and vulgar since Papua New Guinea.¨

He turned around to leave the room when The Queen leapt off the bed and barred his exit by standing in the doorway. She gasped, ¨take me Philip (is that spelt right?), take me now!¨

The Duke cleverly side-stepped, turned his wife round and screamed loudly ¨Up The Ars¨ , before stomping down the corridor...

Georgy Porgy Enlists Iranian Mystic

President Bush is so worried about the upcoming elections that he has recruited Persian Mystic; Muhammad Hāfez Akbar Dorogh to mastermind a November 4th victory for Johnny Mac.

Bush was quoted as saying ¨we don’t want any of them Democratics in the White House¨

Last night, a New Yorker Times political correspondent explained that Bush had gotten the idea from Obama who has himself enlisted the help of Wanyonyi, a Kenyan Mystic who claims to be God.

He said ¨ The President firstly ¨googled¨ persian mystic but because there were more than 1,500,000 search results returned he decided to ask the question on Yahoo Answers. Fortunately only Cooter Earl Jr from West Virginia posted an answer.¨

When Cooter was asked how he made contact with and knew about the Persian Mystic; he replied; ¨ Well, I reckoned that Georgy Porgy is so stupid, he couldn't find his ass with both hands – so I just darned went an googled it¨

Shaun Can’t Dance Samba-Phillips

Shaun Can’t Dance Samba-Phillips was today booted out of a Premier West London Samba School.

The elitist West London based Samba Swivelers have, for ages, been trying to get shot of Mr Bandy-Legs Can’t Dance-Can’t Score, even including him as a sale item at the Sunday morning white van man boot sale on Fulham Road where he was once nearly sold to a Bangladeshi woman bargain hunter who whilst haggling a takeaway price noticed that can’t dance-Can’t score had a penchant for touching his own penis every now and then which put her off!

The Samba Swivelers are absolutely delighted to have finally got rid of him, one fan said

¨he was a f***ing disaster round ‘ere, the only time he was useful was at the annual Halloween party where we used to use him to frighten the kids¨

However, alls well that ends well as he was seen at Euston Rail Station boarding a train for Manchester – apparently his old pub team has invited him back.

Republican Blow Job!

At the Democratic Convention last night Hillary Clinton threw her undoubting support behind Barack Obama.

With extraordinary resilience and forgiveness she demonstrated how to heal wounds and build bridges in an unmitigated astonishing attempt to show that she is 110% behind Obama and urged her supporters to vote for the man come Election Day!

The Clintonites could not believe their eyes when no other than Monica Lewinsky joined her on stage.

In a revealing and delicate looking blue number, ¨Mon¨ looked stunning as she walked upsides Hillary,hugged her,kissed her on the left cheek and yelled,

¨Lets make sure McCain goes down and Barack goes up¨

The crowd roared and roared some more when Bill walked nonchalantly on set and declared,

"I did have sexual relations with these woman¨

Monica lifted a cheroot from her cleavage, handed it to Bill as Hillary stooped to light it - The Convention erupted; huffing, puffing squealing,shrieking,shouting and blowing -

Oh! Yeah! - It was a sure Republican Blow Job...

Victoria's Secret

A very unlikely double-act huddled in the corner of the post-olympic tea party reception held at the British Embassy in Beijing.

Lord Mayor of London; Boris and Victoria's Man; Becks were hatching a plan ensuring the Brits finish on the podium of the 2012 table tennis event.

David divulged that for the past year Victoria has been practicing firing ping pong balls from her vagina. He expanded by whispering to Boris...

¨she has a pussy like a "Tommy Gun".

She apparently learnt the art of ¨slinging the ping¨ in a Bankok nightclub whilst on an assignment in Thailand last year.

Becks has pledged to round-up a couple-dozen Essex girls for a Private VIP (Vagina Induced Ping-pong-party) table tennis opening ceremony at an undisclosed east-London location in 2012.

In the meantime, Victoria has given her word she will, for an undisclosed fee train the piss-flap pingers.

Ryan NO Air

Cheapskate airline, Ryan NO Air deprived 168 passengers of oxygen.

The Bristol to Barcelona-Girona flight plunged to 8,000ft AND because passengers hadn't paid an oxygen supplement, Ryan Scare boss; Paddy O'Sleasy ordered crew to cut the emergency air supply.

A spokesperson for O' Sleasy said ¨every aspect of our operation is a profit centre, we can't just give away air freely¨

Scores of passengers thought they were about to die as the contraption plumetted towards terra firma at an alarming speed - the consequent depressurisation of the joke plane's cabin nearly choked all on board.

One breathless passenger said ¨this is the last time I fly with this airline as last summer one of the stewardesses had to fly the plane as we apparently didn't pay the pilot supplement!

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All posts on this blog are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof...

Crimping Cornish Pasties

Gary ¨I ain't afraid of no ghosts¨ Clitter, finally found a safe haven.

The Cornish Parliament gave the thumbs-up to Vietnam's favourite English Teacher and have provided a safe haven in Looe.

The Stannary were apparently very pleased to have the kiddy fiddler in their midst if only to stick two fingers up to the government of the United Kingdom - a Stannary spokesperson was quoted as saying;

¨We wanted Gary in our gang and are delighted to have freed him from the evil clutches of Wacky Baccy Jacqui¨

The Stannary have even got a job lined up for the ambidextrous glam rocker;

¨he has deft middle fingers which is a required skill in crimping the edges of Cornish Pasties¨ said an anonymous pasty factory manager.

Doh, suppose they will give him a weekend cottage on the Scilly Isles too...

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All posts on this blog are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof...