Up The Ars, Ma'am

Buckingham Palace has confirmed The Queen will be at Stamford Bridge on Sunday as a VIP guest of Scolari.

Since the summer arrival of Felip Scolari Queen Elizabeth 11 has apparently been quite taken by the blues, causing her to shift allegiance from the team her late mother and husband root for; north London rivals Arsenal.

This has caused quite a stir at the palace and some conflict to boot between the married couple - which culminated last night in the Queen sensationally shaving her pussy!

A palace insider said, ¨ It was very surreal really, The Queen was in her chamber when The Duke of Edinburgh entered for his regular gin nightcap. She was lying on the bed , legs akimbo sporting a brazilian¨.

She said to the Duke ¨take me Felipe¨(is that spelt right?).Philip took one look and...

¨Good God I haven't seen anything so ugly and vulgar since Papua New Guinea.¨

He turned around to leave the room when The Queen leapt off the bed and barred his exit by standing in the doorway. She gasped, ¨take me Philip (is that spelt right?), take me now!¨

The Duke cleverly side-stepped, turned his wife round and screamed loudly ¨Up The Ars¨ , before stomping down the corridor...