Up The Ars, Ma'am

Buckingham Palace has confirmed The Queen will be at Stamford Bridge on Sunday as a VIP guest of Scolari.

Since the summer arrival of Felip Scolari Queen Elizabeth 11 has apparently been quite taken by the blues, causing her to shift allegiance from the team her late mother and husband root for; north London rivals Arsenal.

This has caused quite a stir at the palace and some conflict to boot between the married couple - which culminated last night in the Queen sensationally shaving her pussy!

A palace insider said, ¨ It was very surreal really, The Queen was in her chamber when The Duke of Edinburgh entered for his regular gin nightcap. She was lying on the bed , legs akimbo sporting a brazilian¨.

She said to the Duke ¨take me Felipe¨(is that spelt right?).Philip took one look and...

¨Good God I haven't seen anything so ugly and vulgar since Papua New Guinea.¨

He turned around to leave the room when The Queen leapt off the bed and barred his exit by standing in the doorway. She gasped, ¨take me Philip (is that spelt right?), take me now!¨

The Duke cleverly side-stepped, turned his wife round and screamed loudly ¨Up The Ars¨ , before stomping down the corridor...

Shaun Can’t Dance Samba-Phillips

Shaun Can’t Dance Samba-Phillips was today booted out of a Premier West London Samba School.

The elitist West London based Samba Swivelers have, for ages, been trying to get shot of Mr Bandy-Legs Can’t Dance-Can’t Score, even including him as a sale item at the Sunday morning white van man boot sale on Fulham Road where he was once nearly sold to a Bangladeshi woman bargain hunter who whilst haggling a takeaway price noticed that can’t dance-Can’t score had a penchant for touching his own penis every now and then which put her off!

The Samba Swivelers are absolutely delighted to have finally got rid of him, one fan said

¨he was a f***ing disaster round ‘ere, the only time he was useful was at the annual Halloween party where we used to use him to frighten the kids¨

However, alls well that ends well as he was seen at Euston Rail Station boarding a train for Manchester – apparently his old pub team has invited him back.