Sao Paulo - 4067 Bean counters from a Sao Paulo bean packing factory are calling on comrades throughout the country to come out on strike in support of their impending redundancy.

Factory owners have decided to dispense of human bean counters, who are being replaced by bean counting robots; or more precisely, mechanical arms which weigh the beans instead of counting them.

Bruno ¨Beany¨ Beanzinho 62, a bean counter union representative, said today.

¨This is a catastrophe for thousands of bean counters and their families. Some of us have been bean counters since the age of 5; counting beans is a way of life for us - Many of my friends are already talking about killing themselves, there's just no point in carrying on without beans.¨

¨One factory militant, Felipe ¨Farty¨ Feijoada, 48, said.

¨If the sons of bitches think they can take away generations of jobs and tradition, they can furk-off - We are not having any of it.¨

The latest twist in this bean counters saga is that British Bean King; Rowbean Atkinson is reportedly due to arrive in Sao Paulo by the end of the week to drive the job saving campaign throughout Latin America.

From his London Headquarters, King Bean, aka Mr Bean, told reporters (through an interpreter).

¨All my life, people have taken the piss out of me and if them rich Brazilian factory owners think they can take the piss out of the thousands of Brazilian bean counters, they can furk-off¨

The interpreter went on:

¨We have already done some testing and discovered that the proposed robot arms they will use can't furking count - We randomly tested 100 bags of beans and only 4 bags had the correct number of beans.

¨He continued frothing at the mouth..

¨ For the past 250 furking years, Brazilian housewives have had 625 beans in their bags and they won't be furking happy with 624.¨

Sarah Palin Kissed My Dick

It was 1984 – Wasilla, when Former beauty queen and future Vice-President Sarah Palin kissed my dick.

Hot girl had just won the Miss Wasilla Pageant and we were partying. I didn’t know Sarah that well, had kinda seen her round and was friends with some of her friends and we just happened to be at the same party.

She took me by surprise, I was just leaving the bathroom (on my way to get a cold beer) and she saw my dick and just, well – made a bee-line, grabbed a hold and just couldn’t stop kissing, she then lifted my dick right up into the palms of her hand and started to gently stroke and caress. It was pure and utter joy, to just see the love in her eyes, the tender way she held my dick was amazing.

I will tell you something , listen-up, my dick has never been held so lovingly , before or after Sarah Palin. I went to pieces soon afterwards, messed my life-up.

Had to put Richard up for adoption , he will be 24 years old next month – hope he votes for Sarah Palin.

J. K. R. Interferes With Wizard

J.K.R. the creator of blockbusting fantasy wizard superstar; Harry Potter, is today desperately trying to stop the release of a blue movie starring Daniel Radcliffe.

Radcliffe plays the part of a Wizard who's party trick is, well...wanking.

But the wizard is not just any old wanker, as his penis is invisible which affords some very, very funny moments to be portrayed. For instance, in one scene we see him at Buckingham Palace receiving his knighthood. Her Majesty touches his shoulder with her sword and asks him to get-up from his kneeling position.

He tries to rise but is in the middle of a wank (of course to onlookers it appears he has neuromuscular problems , as in apparently uncontrolable shaking and muscle spasms). Anyway, the Queen bends down to help him up at the same moment he empties 4 weeks worth of semen into her face...

The film has other story lines too. As in Lord Voldemort ¨The Gay Wizard¨ who has a sensational crush on Harry. Not to mention the Wizard's Wench (Hermione Granger) who has multiple vaginas - and wants to kill Harry by F****** him to death.

A spokesperson for filmmakers, Fallen Wizard Productions said,

¨JKR can do what she f****** wants, she is not going to stop the wanking wizard. Besides, she better be careful as our next production is about wicked witch authors who cast spells on innocent children through writing books¨

Good Vibrations

Japanese artist; Osaka Macok hás caused quite a stir with his alabaster creation of Jesus of Nazareth with a hard-on!

The statue, which was displayed at a Gateshead (UK) Art Centre is allegedly responsible for a spurt in phallic sex toys.

An art centre spokesman said ¨The response to Macok's portrayal of Jesus has been stonking - we have had busloads of adoring female admirers from as far as Dublin, Southern France and Italy - in fact we had to break-up a fight between the Benedictine and Franciscan orders¨.

Sex shops in Newcastle, Lourdes, Dublin, Rome and Milan have reported a ten-fold increase in vibrator sales.

Stikit Upme, a sex shop manager from Newcastle said ¨It's f****** incredible, these nympho's have cleaned me out, there's not a cock left standing here. I'll tell you mate, the juices will be flowing in the cloisters tonight¨

It's not the first time the Japanese sculptor has courted controversy, last year he chiselled Tony Blair and named the piece ¨What a Prick¨

.........................................................................................................
All posts on this blog are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof...

London's Mayor Stinks - Official!

The elected ¨King of London¨, Lord Mayor Boris Johnson was today taken to one side by friend, foe and rival David Cameron.

Cameron embarrassingly had the task of telling the porker ¨that he smells¨, Well! ¨stinks actually¨...

Cameron held a clutch of handwritten letters of resignation and duly pointed out the opening sentence in each.

¨ I cannot for one more minute tolerate the stench of the Mayor¨ The pals, both alumni of Eton and of Oxford's Bullingdon club had a man-to-man talk about the future responsibility of appointments to the Mayor's team and have agreed to issue nose-pegs and sick-bags to all newly appointed employees. Cameron went on by telling him,

¨Boris, there is no point in you wallowing in a vicarious victimhood; and that many of us old Etonians have a deeply unattractive smell; and many of us refuse to accept personal hygiene responsibility as in washing and showering regularly "

¨But for the sake of the party pull your socks-up - or rather, change them¨

Useful Links to Some Fav Sites:

 

Link Market - Free Link Exchange, Link Swap and Link Trade Directory
Have you ever tried to exchange links, swap links, or trade links? Was it hard? Use link market instead; - it is easy to use, free and very smart. It will save you hours of work.

French Catholic Communities Made to Sign New Child Abuse Register

The Fifth Republic of France is to adopt a controversial policy regarding child abuse in the country.

As from January 2009 the senior (or oldest) Roman Catholic male in all catholic communities has to sign a National Child Abuse Register on behalf of the whole community.

The policy is the culmination of a 6 year study carried out by The University of Paris (Sorbonne) which it is claimed show that Roman Catholic Communities in France abuse children 10% more than the national mean average.

An unnamed source said the abuse ranged from ¨Gross genital interference to forced bible study¨

It is unclear how the new policy will be monitored or implemented but a French Government spokesman said today that ¨France plans to use its influence in the European Community to roll-out the policy Europe wide before 2012. ¨

The official Vatican public relations spokesman was unavailable for comment as he was undergoing his daily flagellation but a Swiss Guardsman said it was ¨outrageous, Father will not be a happy man ¨

PS: (The Pope has already made several public apologies for his organization's abuse of children)

.........................................................................................................

All posts on this blog are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof...

The Russians Are Coming

The next Pesident of The United States is going to drawn into a new Cold War (but he doesn’t yet know it)...

Forget the arms race – enter the arts race!

The break-up of the old communist styled Soviet Union was a mere smokescreen – the KGB are as powerful today as they have ever been.

The Soviet break-up produced a new type of deadly weapon; The Russian Oligarch!

Most people believe the rich former commies are nothing more than poachers turned gamekeepers - but beware! The super rich art collector Russian Oligarchs are elite KGB agents - reds with a mission!

John Paul Getty would have verified that money is nothing, art wields real power, just take a look at The Roman Catholic Church…

Mr President take note – future world domination will not depend upon the group with the biggest bank accounts but the group who has the best collection of big-tit virgin paintings!

Big Boss Cop Caught Playing Zebra Crossing Hopscotch Amid Racist Row

Yesterday two top London cops locked horns at an independent police tribunal.

The big boss cop (cop A) and a subordinate Cop B) were told to ¨buck their ideas up and get on with their jobs¨

The row erupted when the subordinate claimed his white boss had deliberately assigned him extra night shift duties on account of his colour!

The tribunal were told that because cop B was black he was sent on more than his fair share of night time surveillance duties – apparently because his boss figured his colour gave him a distinct advantage and rendered him almost invisible in unlit surveillance areas.

The tribunal chairman concluded that the case and submitted evidence to be neither black nor white, but painted a somewhat grey picture and he was unable to arrive at a fair and honest judgement.

He went on ¨It seems to me that cop A had used his resources well in deploying cop B for night time surveillance, however, we can’t say that this deployment of resource was in any way racist¨

The big boss cop was delighted with the verdict and was last seen

¨hopscotching¨ across a zebra crossing reciting ¨Now you see me – now you don’t – Now you see me – now you…¨

Crack British Hacker Lands Pentagon Job

Former computer hacker Ray G McNonnik has landed a plum job in the Pentagon.

McNonnik, will fly to Arlington next week to take up his post.

He shot to fame after hacking the McDonald's Corporation computer systems in Oak Brook, Illinois, whereby he successfully ordered 400 cheeseburgers and 30 gallons of strawberry milkshake - the system duly despatched the order to his North London bedsit.

He was only discovered when he greedily called the local McDonald's in Islington for more tomato ketchup and a dozen more cheeseburgers.

The manager felt that anyone who can polish off that many cheeseburgers is a threat to national security and duly phoned MI6...A Pentagon spokeman said,

¨We are darn sick and tired of any Tom,Dick and Harry being able to get into our computer systems - Why! Only last week even The President managed to hack his way in¨

He went on ¨We want Ray G to help us plug the security holes , he proved himself in Oak Brook Illinois, we want him in Arlington¨

Up The Ars, Ma'am

Buckingham Palace has confirmed The Queen will be at Stamford Bridge on Sunday as a VIP guest of Scolari.

Since the summer arrival of Felip Scolari Queen Elizabeth 11 has apparently been quite taken by the blues, causing her to shift allegiance from the team her late mother and husband root for; north London rivals Arsenal.

This has caused quite a stir at the palace and some conflict to boot between the married couple - which culminated last night in the Queen sensationally shaving her pussy!

A palace insider said, ¨ It was very surreal really, The Queen was in her chamber when The Duke of Edinburgh entered for his regular gin nightcap. She was lying on the bed , legs akimbo sporting a brazilian¨.

She said to the Duke ¨take me Felipe¨(is that spelt right?).Philip took one look and...

¨Good God I haven't seen anything so ugly and vulgar since Papua New Guinea.¨

He turned around to leave the room when The Queen leapt off the bed and barred his exit by standing in the doorway. She gasped, ¨take me Philip (is that spelt right?), take me now!¨

The Duke cleverly side-stepped, turned his wife round and screamed loudly ¨Up The Ars¨ , before stomping down the corridor...

Georgy Porgy Enlists Iranian Mystic

President Bush is so worried about the upcoming elections that he has recruited Persian Mystic; Muhammad Hāfez Akbar Dorogh to mastermind a November 4th victory for Johnny Mac.

Bush was quoted as saying ¨we don’t want any of them Democratics in the White House¨

Last night, a New Yorker Times political correspondent explained that Bush had gotten the idea from Obama who has himself enlisted the help of Wanyonyi, a Kenyan Mystic who claims to be God.

He said ¨ The President firstly ¨googled¨ persian mystic but because there were more than 1,500,000 search results returned he decided to ask the question on Yahoo Answers. Fortunately only Cooter Earl Jr from West Virginia posted an answer.¨

When Cooter was asked how he made contact with and knew about the Persian Mystic; he replied; ¨ Well, I reckoned that Georgy Porgy is so stupid, he couldn't find his ass with both hands – so I just darned went an googled it¨

Shaun Can’t Dance Samba-Phillips

Shaun Can’t Dance Samba-Phillips was today booted out of a Premier West London Samba School.

The elitist West London based Samba Swivelers have, for ages, been trying to get shot of Mr Bandy-Legs Can’t Dance-Can’t Score, even including him as a sale item at the Sunday morning white van man boot sale on Fulham Road where he was once nearly sold to a Bangladeshi woman bargain hunter who whilst haggling a takeaway price noticed that can’t dance-Can’t score had a penchant for touching his own penis every now and then which put her off!

The Samba Swivelers are absolutely delighted to have finally got rid of him, one fan said

¨he was a f***ing disaster round ‘ere, the only time he was useful was at the annual Halloween party where we used to use him to frighten the kids¨

However, alls well that ends well as he was seen at Euston Rail Station boarding a train for Manchester – apparently his old pub team has invited him back.

Republican Blow Job!

At the Democratic Convention last night Hillary Clinton threw her undoubting support behind Barack Obama.

With extraordinary resilience and forgiveness she demonstrated how to heal wounds and build bridges in an unmitigated astonishing attempt to show that she is 110% behind Obama and urged her supporters to vote for the man come Election Day!

The Clintonites could not believe their eyes when no other than Monica Lewinsky joined her on stage.

In a revealing and delicate looking blue number, ¨Mon¨ looked stunning as she walked upsides Hillary,hugged her,kissed her on the left cheek and yelled,

¨Lets make sure McCain goes down and Barack goes up¨

The crowd roared and roared some more when Bill walked nonchalantly on set and declared,

"I did have sexual relations with these woman¨

Monica lifted a cheroot from her cleavage, handed it to Bill as Hillary stooped to light it - The Convention erupted; huffing, puffing squealing,shrieking,shouting and blowing -

Oh! Yeah! - It was a sure Republican Blow Job...

Victoria's Secret

A very unlikely double-act huddled in the corner of the post-olympic tea party reception held at the British Embassy in Beijing.

Lord Mayor of London; Boris and Victoria's Man; Becks were hatching a plan ensuring the Brits finish on the podium of the 2012 table tennis event.

David divulged that for the past year Victoria has been practicing firing ping pong balls from her vagina. He expanded by whispering to Boris...

¨she has a pussy like a "Tommy Gun".

She apparently learnt the art of ¨slinging the ping¨ in a Bankok nightclub whilst on an assignment in Thailand last year.

Becks has pledged to round-up a couple-dozen Essex girls for a Private VIP (Vagina Induced Ping-pong-party) table tennis opening ceremony at an undisclosed east-London location in 2012.

In the meantime, Victoria has given her word she will, for an undisclosed fee train the piss-flap pingers.

Ryan NO Air

Cheapskate airline, Ryan NO Air deprived 168 passengers of oxygen.

The Bristol to Barcelona-Girona flight plunged to 8,000ft AND because passengers hadn't paid an oxygen supplement, Ryan Scare boss; Paddy O'Sleasy ordered crew to cut the emergency air supply.

A spokesperson for O' Sleasy said ¨every aspect of our operation is a profit centre, we can't just give away air freely¨

Scores of passengers thought they were about to die as the contraption plumetted towards terra firma at an alarming speed - the consequent depressurisation of the joke plane's cabin nearly choked all on board.

One breathless passenger said ¨this is the last time I fly with this airline as last summer one of the stewardesses had to fly the plane as we apparently didn't pay the pilot supplement!

....................................................................

All posts on this blog are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof...

Crimping Cornish Pasties

Gary ¨I ain't afraid of no ghosts¨ Clitter, finally found a safe haven.

The Cornish Parliament gave the thumbs-up to Vietnam's favourite English Teacher and have provided a safe haven in Looe.

The Stannary were apparently very pleased to have the kiddy fiddler in their midst if only to stick two fingers up to the government of the United Kingdom - a Stannary spokesperson was quoted as saying;

¨We wanted Gary in our gang and are delighted to have freed him from the evil clutches of Wacky Baccy Jacqui¨

The Stannary have even got a job lined up for the ambidextrous glam rocker;

¨he has deft middle fingers which is a required skill in crimping the edges of Cornish Pasties¨ said an anonymous pasty factory manager.

Doh, suppose they will give him a weekend cottage on the Scilly Isles too...

...................................................................................

All posts on this blog are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof...